The Sexiest Octogenarian in the World
by Your Silver Lining
Summary: ."Sasuke," Naruto said breathily. "Are we still going to have old-people-sex when we're, like, eighty?" In retrospect, Sasuke should have ignored the question and raped Naruto until he passed out. For like a week. SasuNaru


_**The Sexiest Octogenarian in the World**_

**Genre:** Humor/Romance

**Pairing: **Sasuke x Naruto

**Warnings: **OOC!Naruto, suggestive themes, explicit language, yaoi, CRACK!

**FTOYWGAD: **Midterms are coming and school is kicking my ass. Like hard. Anyways, I feel that I should lighten up the fandom a little. And also, this question has also been bothering me for quite some time… xD Again, I shamelessly advertise: Is anyone going to AnimeNEXT? o.o I'm so nervous; it's my first con.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Naruto.

Enjoy!

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_(In Sasuke and Naruto's Apartment – Bedroom)_

"Sasuke, I just realized something horrible."

At those words, Sasuke Uchiha looked up from the newspaper he was currently scrutinizing and came face-to-face with his lover. Mentally rolling his eyes at the blonde's grave expression, he resumed reading the headlines.

"Temeeee," Naruto Uzumaki whined, much to the annoyance of his brunet companion. "Listen to me dammit, this is important."

"Every time you say that, it ends up not being relevant to me whatsoever," Sasuke flatly replied, his eyes not leaving the paper.

"But seriously, this is important!" The blue-eyed college student insisted. His voice then took a more solemn tone. "And it applied to you too. Very much so."

Sasuke sighed and looked at his idiot, wondering how in the world the he was even able to make such a serious face when he was naked as the day he was born. Not only that but he shamelessly was sprawled all over Sasuke's legs and torso. Which were also naked.

Anyway.

Because of Sasuke's annoying habit of always keeping a newspaper or a novel nearby every time they have sex (he'd get bored when Naruto would fall asleep immediately after he comes), Naruto decided that this time, he'd force himself to be awake to keep his lover company.

Sasuke preferred to read.

Nonetheless, it didn't prevent the blonde from constantly annoying Sasuke to play I Spy or ask him ridiculous questions ("Sasuke, why does your dick get purple when it's hard but mine only gets red?").

And this was only the first day.

"You ready, Sasuke?" Naruto asked, propping himself into a sitting position on Sasuke's lap. "It's shocking revelation, so brace yourself, okay?"

Sasuke vaguely noticed his left eyebrow twitching.

_Really, how the fuck is he able to keep a straight face while practically sitting on my dick?_

Leaving his mental question unanswered, the blonde leaned up and brushed the newspaper aside. He leaned his left arm on the bed's headboard for support and used his other hand to cup the back of Sasuke's cheek, lightly brushing over black hair. Naruto's knees dug into the soft sheets as he climbed higher on top of the taller man until their breaths intermingled.

All the while, Sasuke was scowling at the bold moves. He still couldn't understand why the blonde hadn't already dropped dead like every time he comes after crazy, hot sex. Despite his stamina (which Sasuke sometimes struggled to keep up with), he would always crash; it was never a good thing to strain oneself when he needed rest.

He took a closer look on Naruto's face and found no trace of mischief or playfulness. For some reason, a bad feeling settled in the pit of the brunet's stomach like spoiled milk.

"Sasuke," Naruto said breathily, somewhat aware of the other catching his breath. He leaned into the older man's ear and whispered.

"Are we still going to have old-people-sex when we're, like, eighty?"

In retrospect, Sasuke should have ignored the question and raped Naruto until he passed out. For like a week.

But since the Gods were mocking their favorite couple, it didn't go like that. Instead, Naruto – insert shiver/shudder here – elaborated.

"I mean," the blonde started, now folding his arms over his chest, "we've been together for what? Three, four years? Wait a minute…"

The twenty-year-old actually looked at his fingers and began counting backwards. "Let's see, we met in kindergarten but we fucking hated each other until ninth grade. Then we hung out all the time until Junior year when we finally kissed. So that means we've technically been dating/fucking/making love whatever you wanna call it, for three years." He held up three fingers in a 'w' sign while Sasuke wondered how the younger man was even able to pronounce a slash. "But if I count all the years we've actually known each other, then bastard, we've been together for _fifteen years!_" He then shoved both his hands – all extended to five fingers – into Sasuke's face and then shoved his foot too. "Heh, sorry, ran out of fingers."

Having barely paying any attention to him, Sasuke looked distastefully at Naruto's retreating foot. He shot him a look that clearly said 'If you shove that thing anywhere near me again, I'll fuck you until you have to use crutches to walk.' But it was as if the glare was ricocheted off the whiskered, grinning face.

"Anyway," Naruto continued, much to Sasuke's horror. "If this keeps up, we're gonna grow old together. Like, until we die and stuff. And don't get me wrong bastard, I love you with more passion than a fart explosive enough to pass as a nuclear weapon (you know, like Lee's when he eats Saukra's cooking), but once we're old, we'll be all yucky."

The blue-eyed man shoved his index finger into his tongue in a gagging motion while Sasuke debated on whether to be fascinated that he'd just pronounced a parenthesis or whether to be mortified that he'd just declared his love for him in comparison to Lee's volatile flatulence.

"Like I was saying, once we're senior citizens, we'll grow liver spots and hair on our ears and our skin will sag and – Oh my God! Sasuke, our dicks will shrink!"

_Kill me,_ Sasuke begged the ceiling. _Kill me, now._

Despite the fact that Naruto was practically bouncing on his lap and poking and prodding both their manhoods, he was far from turned on. In fact, he was so turned off that he was worried whether he'd ever be able to sport an erection again.

Naruto's gasp brought Sasuke out of his thoughts.

"Sasuke," the blonde's voice wavered, "you're gonna be bald!"

That was where Sasuke's eyebrow resumed twitching.

"Holy shit! Ew, Sasuke, I don't want you fucking me when I don't have any hair to grab on to! You know it's a fetish of mine – "

"Naruto."

The name cut through the air and Naruto immediately knew to shut up. It was as if a spell was broken and he was staring into Sasuke's eyes which promised pain if there was any more nuisance.

"Naruto," he repeated. He was going to – to put in bluntly – lecture him about the process of aging and that it was a natural human process. But after seeing Naruto's earnest look and specks of expectation in his eyes, he gave in. After all, being with the dobe for so long, one had to learn to be a softie. "Look, Naruto. We _are_ going to grow old together. And believe it or not, our relationship is _not_ centered around us fucking like bunnies. Even though that is a very important part of it." He muttered the last part. "I don't know what's going to happen forty years from now but all I do know is that we're twenty and our dicks are at the pinnacle of their glory."

Even Naruto winced at the choice of wording. Regardless, he nodded and then smiled.

"So we'll love each other even when we grow liver spots?"

"Yes," Sasuke mumbled painstakingly.

"Even when hair grows on our ears?"

The brunet nodded begrudgingly.

"Even when our skin starts sagging.

By now, he was getting annoyed but he nodded anyway.

"Even when our dicks shrink?"

"Don't push it," Sasuke shot his lover a warning look.

Deeming it enough for him, Naruto grinned, his whisker marks stretching and leaned into Sasuke. He loosely wrapped his arms around the pale torso and rested his head on the smooth shoulder.

"Oh well, I guess it doesn't matter now. You'll still love me," he commented, a smile still etched onto his face while Sasuke raised an eyebrow at the bold declaration. "I'll still be the sexiest octogenarian in the entire fucking world."

Sasuke didn't even stop to wonder where Naruto picked up a word like octogenarian. Instead he caught his chin and sealed his lips over the blonde's. He kept the kiss to a PG level, knowing that advancing it any further would lead to … other activities.

Ahem.

Naruto released his lips with a smack and yawned. Tears gathered in the corner of his eyes as sleep clouded his vision. Sasuke noticed that it was nearing midnight and turned the night lamp off. He then pressed his and Naruto's naked bodies together and wrapped the sheets comfortably around them.

Naruto yawned again. "Good night, bastard." He leaned over and placed a small peck to Sasuke's cheek. "Love you," he mumbled.

Sasuke allowed a small smile to grace his lips and kissed Naruto's forehead, wordlessly reciprocating the same words.

"Even if you grow bald."

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**FTOYWGAD: **Did your face melt off from the crack yet? xD I hope that hasn't traumatized you too much. Anyway, that was just plotless crack. I still hope you enjoyed it though.

Please tell me what you thought of it! *throws brownies*

~Silver


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